Traditions in Relationships
By Skylar Clevenger, Program Manager
Traditions in Relationships
I used to live every area of my adult life acting selfish and self-centered—especially in relationships. I wasn’t looking at what I could give; I was focused on what I could get.
Whether it was family, friends, or employers, I took whatever I could to fill whatever was missing in me. Even when I had good intentions, the relationship was always about me. I’d drain them, burn them down, and then sit in the wreckage feeling miserable or ashamed. And instead of changing, I used that misery to feed my self-pity. As you can probably guess, that didn’t lend itself to strong or healthy relationships.
What I’ve learned through working the program is that my life is unmanageable. I can’t keep living the way I used to and sustain my recovery. That way of doing life didn’t work. The Steps gave me direction for how to be different as an individual, but I also need direction on how to manage my relationships. When I look at the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, I see they’ve kept a lot of broken people together for a long time. They work because people try to follow them. So if those same principles can keep a room full of alcoholics unified, why wouldn’t they help me show up better in my relationships?
Tradition One: Unity
Our common welfare must come first. I learn to look at we, not me. In my past relationships, my needs, wants, and desires always came first, and only if those were met would I consider what the other person wanted. Today, I try not to be careless or self-focused when it comes to another person’s opinions or well-being. I must look at what we want in order to maintain a healthy relationship. I can no longer dominate—I am not God. We must come together and agree on what is best for both—or all—of us.
Tradition Two: A Loving Higher Power
This requires humility. I am no longer the ultimate authority. I rely on a loving Higher Power to guide my thoughts, decisions, and behavior. When I pause and ask for direction rather than react from fear or ego, I am better able to listen and respond with love. Healthy relationships require trust—both in God and in one another.
Tradition Three: Desire to Be Here
This is contingent on a mutual desire to be in the relationship. I can’t force commitment, effort, or honesty. People won’t put in equal work unless they genuinely want to be there. Today, I respect that truth. I also recognize that my only requirement is a willingness to do my part—to show up honest and open, without conditions or ultimatums.
Tradition Four: Autonomy with Responsibility
I need autonomy. When I have peace and contentment within myself and ask God for His will to be done, I am not in danger of harming others with jealousy or ego. I am free to be myself, but I am also responsible for how my actions affect others. My freedom does not give me permission to cause harm.
Tradition Five: Primary Purpose
Together, our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum benefit to God and the people around us. When I lose sight of purpose, relationships turn into power struggles or emotional battlegrounds. When I stay grounded in spiritual purpose, my role becomes clearer: to be honest, loving, and useful—not to control outcomes.
Tradition Six: Right Motives
I have learned not to use relationships to meet needs they were never meant to fill. When I seek validation, security, or identity from another person, I place an impossible burden on them. Today, I check my motives. Am I loving, or am I using? Healthy relationships are not tools for self-gratification.
Tradition Seven: Self-Support
As an individual in the relationship, I am to be self-supporting spiritually, emotionally, and physically. If I am dependent upon another for these things, I become prey to misery and misunderstandings; my emotions and well-being become subject to another fallible human being. I have faith in a Higher Power who helps guide and regulate these areas of my life.
Tradition Eight: Healthy Roles and Boundaries
I respect boundaries today. Love does not require me to over-give or lose myself. I can show up fully without doing everything. Healthy relationships allow room for balance, respect, and appropriate responsibility.
Tradition Nine: Guidance, Not Control
I no longer try to run the show. Leadership in relationships looks like encouragement, not domination. I can offer suggestions, share experience, and set boundaries—but I don’t get to govern another person’s life. When I let go of control, I create space for trust.
Tradition Ten: Emotional Sobriety/Inner Peace
I do not have to engage in every argument or conflict. I strive for emotional sobriety—choosing peace over drama, restraint over reaction. When I am wrong, I admit it. When I am hurt, I seek understanding rather than retaliation.
Tradition Eleven: Attraction Through Action
Today, I let my actions speak for themselves. I don’t need to convince anyone that I’ve changed. Consistency, honesty, and humility are far more powerful than words. Trust grows naturally when I live the principles I claim to believe.
Tradition Twelve: Principles Before Personalities
Finally, I put principles before personalities. I will not always agree with the people in my life, but I can treat them with dignity, compassion, and respect. Humility keeps me teachable. Anonymity reminds me that it’s not about me—it’s about living the principles.
This hasn’t been an easy journey for me. I had to throw out everything I thought I knew. At almost every turn, I’m met with fear and selfishness—I am a selfish person with a sickness of self, after all. But if I follow the guidelines set before me with faith, I can face anything. Today, I trust that I’ll be okay no matter what, as long as I maintain a certain simple attitude – Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.
