Letting Go of Me: What Willingness Really Means in Steps 6 & 7

By Lacy Montgomery, Recovered Alcoholic

In my early days in the 12-step meeting rooms, I remember reading the steps on the walls. I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a damp basement in a meeting called “Alcoholics Anonymous," so I had admitted it, right? I went to church, so I believed in God, and simply by being in this meeting, I was “turning my life over," right? I was having lunch with an old friend the next day, and I planned to say “I’m sorry," like Step 9 told me to. I was doing it. Really doing it! RIGHT?

People (gestures vaguely) said Steps 4 and 5 were scary, so I’ll skip those. Reading Steps 6 and 7, I thought, “Sure, whatever. I have no idea what that means. Seems unimportant." The rest of the steps? "Nah, I’m good. I’ll go to a few of these meetings. I won’t have to tell anyone. I’ll be good to go."

Bless it. No.

It was years and a lot more drinking before I was ready and willing to follow precise direction and try something different (the 12 steps) and even really, truly understand that yes, I am a chronic real-life alcoholic (Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 44). Vodka will help you get willing that way.

If we’re going to talk about steps 6 and 7, we’ve got to back it up to the beginning.

Step One: I’m miserable and have no idea what to do anymore, and for the life of me, I keep drinking too much, and I can’t not drink. And generally, things suck.

Step Two: Maybe there’s a Higher Power that is good, and maybe what worked for this happy, sober lady in front of me could work for me.

Step Three: Yes, I am willing to go to any, yes, any lengths to get free from this alcoholic misery. Happy sober lady with that Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I’ll listen to you.

Step Four: I write it down. Who I’m mad at, really, who owes me an apology; what I’m afraid of – well, everything, but get specific; how I harmed people. Thoroughly and honestly.

Step Five: omgomgomg, I actually said all of this stuff out loud to the sober happy lady. I just met this woman two weeks ago. What in the world? Okay, she is kind. And gently pointing out to me that I’m the problem, it’s me. [Insert Taylor Swift gif.] She mentions that I’ve been trying to control and manipulate literally everything even though I feel like a doormat, and I just want you to be happy. I’m playing God in people’s lives. I think I am in control of everything. I am judgmental, full of fear, and self-pitying. All of this is very self-centered. [Insert Chrissy Teigen cringe face gif.]

Now onto Steps 6 & 7: “Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.” “Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.”

Two little paragraphs in the Big Book. It’s that simple, right? Boom. Done.

Bless it. No.

These defects of character in recovery? They don’t make me a bad person, though I sure thought I was. They’re not identified to inflict shame. These are simply patterns of behavior that are causing trouble and harm in my life and for the people around me. After Step 5, I can see the truth about myself and my patterns of behavior more clearly. My selfishness and self-centeredness, judgment, resentment, fear, fear, FEAR, self-pity, manipulation, people-pleasing, perfectionism. The space between God and me is so clogged with all of these patterns of me that God simply can’t get through. And remember Step 3? Any lengths. Step 6, in that simple little paragraph, asks me if I am finally willing to find these patterns objectionable, and Step 7 asks me if I am ready to be willing to let go of them. Not so that I can be happy and awesome and sunshine and rainbows. Rather, so that I can be useful to Higher Power and the people around me.

This doesn’t mean they disappear. It means that I can see clearly now my own humanity and imperfection, and that I can continue to watch out for these patterns and take them and my objections to them to my Higher Power. Eleven and a half years of living a program of recovery, and yes, these patterns still show up regularly. Sometimes I think I am justified in my [insert character defect]. I am always imperfect. But what’s different now, what I have thanks to these steps, are the tools to identify these patterns, these character defects, take them to my Higher Power, and not justify or negotiate in my own mind. My favorite author says, “You know you have made God in your own image when God hates all the same people you do." Yikes.

Spoiler alert: Step 10 is steps 4-9 all rolled into one, and page 84 of the Big Book tells me that these patterns will crop up. “When” not “if."

And right there on the next page, it tells me how to live my life, One Day at A Time: “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” And this requires humility, willingness, and action. Steps 6 and 7 aren’t about perfection. They’re about willingness and humility in sobriety. And humility is indispensable to personal growth.