I Don’t Have a Future Until I’ve Cleaned Up My Past

By Jill Engro, Recovered Alcoholic

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 9 completes the inventory process (Steps 4-9), clearing away the debris created by living on self-will and trying to run the show ourselves. Skipping Step Nine is like mixing all the ingredients for a cake and never baking it. It’s spiritual conversation without spiritual action. It’s like offering ourselves to God without fully giving ourselves to Him.

We are told in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that this program requires action, that faith becomes real only when we live it. If the God idea is powerful enough to meet alcoholics in the depths of insanity and death, then it is powerful enough to carry us through Step 9. This is where recovery takes root. This is where we begin to experience the freedom we’ve been promised.

Step 9 is not about revisiting the past to sit in guilt, it’s about taking responsibility and making things right. We make direct amends wherever possible, without excuses, without defensiveness, and without causing further harm. The instructions are clear: we move forward honestly and courageously, but never at the expense of someone else’s well-being. This requires discernment, humility, and often guidance from our sponsors, but it is where integrity is rebuilt.

Many never make it to this step. And many who do stop short of completing it—missing the experience that comes from fully cleaning up the past. Because when we do, something shifts. When we repay what we owe, our finances improve. When we clean up harms to employers, we become better employees. When we make amends to old friends, our friendships deepen. Relationships with our partners begin to heal when we take responsibility for the harm we’ve caused. God’s work is far-reaching and efficient.

By placing ourselves in God’s hands with an undefended heart, we learn what it means to trust Him as we walk through the fear of facing those we have harmed. We discover what God can do when we stop managing outcomes and start taking responsibility. By accepting the consequences of our behavior, we learn to face life successfully. It takes humility to admit our wrongs. It takes honesty to follow through. It takes consideration to put the needs of others ahead of our own when we ask how to set things right.

Thankfully, God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. As difficult as making direct amends may seem, it becomes an invitation to step out of self and into a life aligned with something greater. We begin to experience more of Him and less of ourselves.

Until I came to believe I was beyond human aid, suffering from an illness only a spiritual experience could conquer, I believed sobriety was the answer. I settled for abstinence and missed the solution, returning to alcohol again and again. What I was missing was here all along. The program required action. A new way of living, not just a new way of thinking. A relationship with a Power greater than myself, built through willingness and sustained by letting go of self-will.

Before I was separated from alcohol for the last time, I prayed: “God, I’m available when you are.” 
On January 15, 2015, He was. Step 9 reminds us that our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and to others. Now it is my turn to be available to carry what has been given to me. In that, I’ve found a life with purpose, usefulness, and more than enough to do.

We come to believe this God idea really works when we put it into action in Step 9.

Don’t miss it.