Written by Kelsey Amos, Outreach Program Manager
In honor of our 36th anniversary this month Kelsey Amos, Outreach Program Manager and recovered alcoholic shares how sobriety is a by-product of a strong recovery program. Included are quotes from women in our community sharing their experiences as they have learned the difference between sobriety and recovery and what that knowledge has done for them in their journey to recovery from alcoholism.
“We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.”
Big Book, page 82
Sobriety is an event. It can happen one time, or several times, after several relapses, which typically worsen each time. Sobriety can be achieved by simply quitting drinking. Anyone can get sober.
When I had my first attempt at sobriety in 2015, I made a firm resolution that I was never going drink again. I thought sobriety was about me staying physically sober because it was clear that alcohol was my problem. As long as I stayed away from drinking, everything would be fine- or so I thought. I suffered from the delusion that I had the power to choose whether I would drink again or whether I could stay sober. I thought being in recovery meant that I was going to be white-knuckling sobriety for the rest of my life. Man, that sounds terrible.
“Being sober to me was just as miserable as when I would be drinking. I was taking away the alcohol, which was my solution to my problem and that problem was me, my selfishness, self centeredness, self pity and just all around miserableness in life and I didn’t know why. Recovery is so much more beautiful than just being sober and not drinking. I now have a solution and toolbox to my problems on a daily basis, without turning to alcohol or destructive patterns. Doing the next right thing and always looking for a way to help others and give back.” -Diane Gilliam
“If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.”
Big Book, page 44
What I didn’t understand is that alcoholism is a disease. It is partly characterized by a physical allergy which sets off a phenomenon of craving once we start to drink, meaning that once we start, we do not have the ability to control how much we will drink. It is also characterized by the mental obsession, which means that our minds will convince us that one day, we will be able to control our drinking, which in my experience, I was never able to do. Getting sober only treats one part of this disease- the physical aspect.
“There have been so many times that I have been blessed enough to see the lightbulb moment for a woman in the house. It always moves me and touches my heart when the allergy of the body and mind is described and taught to a woman that is a frequent relapser that has never been taught this. It changes your soul and gives you hope. For me it laid out a doable path for me to obtain recovery and sustain it; to know that this is not my fault and I am not destined for death and misery….Sobriety is the abstinence from drinking. Recovery is action; the action of doing the work of the 12 steps and living in the principles. Recovery is living happy, joyous, and free.” -Rachel Green
When I attempted to just “stay sober” I was miserable. I was overflowing with self-pity, trying to control everything, and running on fear. Everything revolved around how I was going to just stay sober. It’s pretty selfish when you think about it.
Staying sober is the hard part, and that’s where recovery comes in.
When I became convinced that I was an alcoholic, I knew that my only option was to work the 12 steps. I had tried other methods- all revolving around this idea of just staying sober. But I hadn’t honestly attempted to work a program of recovery.
“My perception of sobriety was going to detox, rehab (a bunch of them), coming out just to do it all over again. I was thinking that just getting the days was enough and remained baffled why I would drink again. Sobriety as I perceived it was still dark, shame filled, fear-filled and hopeless because I was just living “not to drink” and it seemed like everyone around me was loving and living life- laughing, and finding joy, even with hard stuff.
Recovery for me is discovering the person that God created me to be in His miraculous beautiful design of each of us– and getting to know her. While being sober is an important part of that, it is just the starting point. Clear out the booze and I have found this quirky girl, beautiful woman, enormous heart, and compassionate kind woman that loves, loves, loves life– even when it is a circus, a comedy, a drama, and yes, even when it seems like a fairy tale.” -Lisa Kondikoff
In working the 12 steps with my sponsor, I began to experience freedom. I learned that alcohol was not my problem, but my solution. I learned that I lacked the power of choice in drinking, and that my selfishness was the root of my problems. I learned of the spiritual solution, which is to connect to a power greater than myself, and that this solution would solve all of my problems if I was willing to take the required action. The physical allergy to alcohol can be treated by abstinence, and the mental obsession can be treated by our Higher Power. This was the beginning of my recovery journey.
Recovery is not a one-time event. It is a journey and a practice of applying the spiritual principles I learned through working the steps. Most of all, recovery is about helping others. Working the steps allows me to gain awareness of the things blocking me from accessing my Higher Power and gives me the tools to continue to stay connected. All of this prepares me to go out and help others.
Sobriety to me is like walking alone in the dark, still trying to find my way. Recovery is me not having to walk alone anymore. Recovery is me holding hands with the next alcoholic woman and putting her hand in God’s, just as it was done for me! Recovery is trusting and believing that God gave me a purpose, so I’m not having to find my way anymore. -Chris Stapleton
“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and to the people about us.” Big Book, page 77
The beautiful thing about recovery is that staying sober is just one of the effects. Life does not revolve around “just staying sober.” As long as we remain willing to live by the spiritual principles, sobriety just comes.
The bigger effect of recovery is the freedom. This means peace of mind, being restored to sanity, no longer hiding from the world or being ashamed to be an alcoholic, and most importantly, shattering the stigma to let others know that they can have freedom, too.
The final time I entered the Magdalen House doors as a client, I had been disabused of all delusion that I could do this on my own terms. But I also had nearly no faith that I would ever be able to experience the freedom that I saw others enjoy. But meeting after meeting, tear after tear, the self-pity began to lift. A woman who chairs meetings held my face and looked into my eyes, telling me “we will not let you leave here with this much fear.” The miracle of Maggie’s for me was not that the pain and the fear left me, but that through the work and self-sacrifice, the commitment of other women who walked this path alongside me, I began to actually believe that it would all have a purpose. And how true that has become. Our miracles don’t end with us, we endure and reach back and God gifts us this wonderful new vision, the opportunity to watch others recover. -Madeline Burch
