Sober, but Dying on the Inside: How Step 5 Finally Set Me Free

By Kate Eimer, Development Manager

It was May of 2021, and I had been sober for a year and a half. Although certain categories of my life were improving, on the inside, I was miserable. I thought I was doing the whole “AA” thing right: I was attending a meeting daily, if not multiple times a day, I had a sponsor, I read “The Book” and the “Twelve and Twelve” and all the “Daily Reflections”. I was making sober friends, I was adamant about self-care, and I wasn’t drinking. So why did I feel like I wanted to die?

People and situations that hadn’t bothered me in a while were starting to get under my skin. My resentments and fears were building up and weighing me down. My new job was awesome, and I had a handsome new boyfriend, but I brought instability and confusion to both scenarios. Plus, the thought of taking a drink was creeping into my consciousness with such frequency that I felt like I was going insane. I didn’t know then what I know so clearly now: the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not about going to meetings and just not drinking. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a way of living that has its advantages for all. Let me tell you how everything started to change.

I finally became willing to get honest with a few friends about how I was feeling and shared the thoughts that were running through my mind. I told them that I could tell I was missing something, but I didn’t know what. I recognized the twinkle in their eyes, and I wanted that too. These friends listened with empathy and patiently suggested that instead of my daily morning meetings, I should attend their Home Group. They described it as a place where people gathered to study the text of Alcoholics Anonymous line by line. They said people there were sober AND happy about it. They told me to trust them, and I would see.

When I walked into that meeting a few days later, I immediately felt an energy in the room. When the call was put out that there would be a “Foundation Meeting“, my friend nudged me and said to go. I walked down a narrow hallway and settled into a small room where a tiny blonde lady stood, her book and a chalkboard in hand. It only took her fifty minutes to explain a lifetime of questions that had built up in my mind. She broke down Steps 1, 2, and 3, and I finally learned what alcoholism was: an illness of body and mind that only a spiritual experience can conquer.

She explained that AA is a spiritual program of action designed to get the alcoholic connected to a Power that could restore them to sanity. All that was required was willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, and the ability to follow a few simple Steps. I rushed up to her after the meeting and asked her to sponsor me. Within two weeks, I was sitting in her office, telling her my whole life story.

Going into my 5th Step, I was nervous but excited. In just two short weeks, I began to feel a shift in my perspective. I did the 3rd Step prayer with my sponsor a week before, then jumped straight into my 4th Step inventory, which I came to realize was simply a fact-finding and fact-facing process. My sponsor emphasized the opportunity to take a look at my resentments, fears, and sex conduct from an entirely different angle, designed to point out the manifestations of self that blocked me from God. She told me the 5th Step was going to use this inventory to highlight my defects, not to focus on the details or the circumstances.

When I met her that Wednesday afternoon to take the 5th Step, we prayed on our knees and asked God to be with us. We read pages 72-75 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and had a lengthy discussion. She honored the fact that this was an intimate and confidential Step and helped to put me at ease.

Instead of obsessing over what happened to me, we focused on how I showed up. Over and over again, she pointed out a pattern of behavior revealed through the 4th column of my inventory. As the people and situations I listed in columns 1 and 2 changed, as the fears unfolded and I got honest about my past, it’s as if the 4th column stood still.

I thought I had learned something during my 4th Step, but the experience of sharing this inventory with God and another human being brought an awareness like no other. God opened my eyes to see where I was wrong and the truth of my mistakes. Selfishness and self-centeredness! That was the root of my troubles! It manifested in a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, not to mention judgment, inconsideration, and dishonesty.

I was playing God! I was resentful of people for judging me when I was just as critical myself. I was obsessing over others’ dishonesty when delusion was my middle name. It was like the wool was being pulled from my eyes. No matter what, I had faults that were glaring. No wonder I was miserable, this stuff was eating me alive!

My sponsor handed me back my 4th Step inventory, which now looked like a failed school assignment. She used a red pen to write her notes and underlines and tons of big “A” s that were circled in bold. There was a list of character defects at the top of the page that illustrated what happens when I run through life by self-propulsion, when I am driven by self-will and blocked from God.

We read the bottom of page 75, and she told me to follow the simple instructions outlined. I was to go home and find a place where I could be quiet for an hour, to constructively review what we had just done. I was to pray and thank God from the bottom of my heart for knowing Him better. I was to study the first five Steps and pray some more, to make sure I hadn’t omitted anything. She reminded me that nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

I listened to her and responded to this instruction in a way that makes me laugh today. I said, “I have plans tonight, can I do it after that?” She said, “Well, I guess you could do it your way.” RIGHT, got it. This wasn’t a suggestion; this was what was required to finish my 5th Step, just as the first 100 AA’s had done.

I went home and followed the book’s instructions exactly. In that hour, I had an incredibly profound spiritual experience. Tears rolled down my face and soaked my clothes. It felt like I was levitating towards the truth. Many of the 5th Step promises manifested immediately. My fears fell from me. I felt the nearness of my Creator. The feeling that the drink problem had disappeared did come strongly. I was on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

I realize often that there are foundational tools presented in the 5th Step that I use in my recovery daily. The idea that “a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient” always applies. It rings in my ears every time I think I’ve done well enough to pray and ask for God’s help on my own. The principles of humility, fearlessness, and honesty are essential to keep in the forefront. I thank God every day that I get to know Him better.

The book tells us that if we skip this vital Step, we may not overcome drinking. For a year and a half, I had skipped this Step and was living in a darkness of delusion and fear. I’m certain it would have been only a matter of time before I fell off the wagon. Thank God everything changed when I met a recovered alcoholic who took me through the work as outlined in the book. I was desperate and had the willingness to face these steps head-on. The 5th Step was the moment I felt my hand be placed in God’s hand. Needless to say, it changed everything.