By Cooper Green, Community Coordinator
As a 30-year-old man who’s been sober for just over two years, I’ve learned that recovery is not just about abstaining from alcohol. It’s about confronting the past, taking responsibility for the damage caused, and rebuilding relationships. Steps 8 and 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous are essential in this process. They ask us to make a list of the people we’ve harmed and to begin making amends. These steps are challenging, but they are also liberating and transformative.
Step 8: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 59
Step 8 is about taking an honest inventory of our past actions. When I began this step, I was confronted with the truth of how much harm I had caused in my life. My addiction wasn’t just about alcohol; it was about the wreckage left behind—people I’d hurt, trust I’d broken, and relationships I’d ruined.
One of the most challenging but necessary items on my list was the yogurt shop where I worked. During my drinking days, I thought impressing others was the answer to my problems. I embezzled thousands of dollars worth of yogurt to give to a group of Baylor cheerleaders who came in often, hoping they’d like me. I didn’t think about the consequences, and I certainly didn’t know about how my actions could hurt the business. But when I looked at that list, I knew I had to make it right.
Step 9: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” – Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 59
Step 9 is about taking action—reaching out and making amends to those we’ve harmed. For me, it wasn’t enough just to write my list. I had to follow through with the difficult task of apologizing and making things right, even if that meant facing rejection or discomfort.
Making Amends with the Yogurt Business
I knew I had to take responsibility for what I had done at the yogurt shop. I had stolen from the owners and the customers, and while my actions may have seemed trivial at the time, I could now see how deeply I had violated their trust. So, I contacted the owners and asked if we could talk.
I apologized for taking advantage of their business when I met with them. I told them how wrong it was to embezzle the yogurt, and I expressed my remorse for the impact it had on their livelihood. I offered to repay the money in any way I could.
Their response was not what I hoped for. They told me they didn’t want to hear my apology and asked me to leave. It was a tough pill to swallow. I wanted them to forgive me and say it was okay, but I realized that making amends wasn’t about what they said or did—it was about me taking responsibility. I couldn’t change their feelings, but I could change my behavior and own my past.
Making Amends with My Mother
Perhaps the most painful and powerful amends I made were with my mother. She struggled with alcoholism for much of my life, and our relationship was strained. As her addiction consumed her, so did the distance between us. By the time I was sober, my mother was in the final stages of her life. She was unresponsive on her deathbed when I realized that I needed to speak to her—whether she could hear me or not.
I sat by her side and told her everything I had kept inside for years. I shared my sorrow for the way our relationship had been affected by her addiction, and I also told her how much I understood her pain now. I didn’t expect her to wake up or respond, but I felt a release at that moment. I told her that I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness for the distance I had put between us out of anger and hurt.
She never responded, but I left that room feeling at peace, knowing that I had finally said what needed to be said. The act of making that amends, even in the absence of her acknowledgment, gave me closure and allowed me to forgive myself.
The Transformative Power of Making Amends
Steps 8 and 9 weren’t easy, but they were crucial. Taking responsibility for my actions and reaching out to those I had hurt was humbling and freeing. Making amends wasn’t always about receiving forgiveness or reconciliation; sometimes, it was simply about owning the past and letting go of the guilt.
With the yogurt shop, I didn’t get the forgiveness I was hoping for, but I did get the peace of knowing I took accountability. With my mother, I wasn’t able to have the conversation I wished for, but I spoke from the heart and forgave her, which allowed me to heal. Both situations taught me that making amends is more about self-healing than it is about the other person.
A New Beginning
Today, two years sober, I can reflect on these steps with gratitude. They weren’t just about repairing relationships but about understanding that recovery is about living with integrity and honesty. I’ve learned that making amends is an essential part of the healing process, and it’s not always going to go as planned. But in the end, it’s about taking responsibility and finding peace within yourself.
Steps 8 and 9 have helped me rebuild my life, not just by making amends with others but by forgiving myself and becoming a better version of myself. It’s been a long road, but each step, including these, has been an essential part of my journey toward lasting recovery.
